


I should have told you.

by BlueRacoonSoul



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean-Centric, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s11e18 Hell's Angel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 15:31:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6525898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueRacoonSoul/pseuds/BlueRacoonSoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Last episode left me emotionally violated, and I can't stop thinking about what Dean might be thinking after Amara decided to kidnap Lucifer. This is what I believe totally happend after the brothers left the church and before they were drinking beers back in the Bunker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I should have told you.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work + English isn't my native language, so please be gentle :)

_I should have told you._

Dean could barely hear Sam’s cautious voice somewhere on his right side. He could also barely feel his tight grip on his shoulder, trying to force him to move. Somewhere deep inside, in the back of his head, he knew he couldn’t stay in this old church forever. That he had to move, get out of this crappy, rotten pile of old staves and think of a new plan; dammit, he would even pray to anyone who still might be listening, even more fervently than ever before.  
  
But he couldn’t bring himself to leave. His body went completely numb; he was still overly tense, as if Amara didn’t undo Lucifer’s gut-wrenching spell. In fact, Dean thought, the spell wasn’t all that bad. At least he could scream Cas’ name, hoping that maybe he could hear the longing and desperation in Dean’s voice. Now, when Cas – no, _Lucifer_ violating Cas’ body, was gone, he could only stare at the blank space wherehe and Amara disappeared only seconds before. Or maybe minutes ago? Hours…?  
  
All Dean could think about was the tiny glimpse of Cas’ eyes. It lasted only for few moments, and if Dean was being honest with himself, he doubted if Cas knew what was going on and that he would even remember this, but it was enough to make Dean’s shattered heart jump up high with hope. Just for one second, one long, yet damnably short second he thought he would finally say what was literally eating him from inside for so long.

_I should have told you._

Dean knew that if he got a chance to say this out loud, his face would flush with bright red and he would stutter and talk incoherently like a teenager talking to his first crush. He had never been good with these chick-flick moments, but then again, nobody ever told him such things either. He always preferred to show someone how much they meant to him, though apparently, he sucked at this too. The angel was much more important to him than anyone else he had ever met, and for Dean and his unique lifestyle, it wasn’t such a good thing. It was too dangerous to admit he cared about anyone. Not because Dean might die, but because someone could try to hurt his loved ones just to get to him. He knew it all damn well, they have been on this road with Sammy way too many times before. Hell, this is why he ended up in hell in the first place.  
  
But he couldn’t help it when he watched Cas becoming more and more independent, becoming his dearest friend and brother-in-arms. He couldn’t help but be grateful for someone who chose to stay by his side every single time. Dean knew he could always count on Sammy, but somehow he always wanted something more. He couldn’t silence that one annoying voice in his head which kept telling him that Sam was only staying with him because they were bounded with blood. If they weren’t a family, Sam wouldn't stay with him for so long and Dean would be left completely alone. He loved his brother with all his heart, but he desperately needed someone who had no reason to stay, yet stayed anyway. 

_I should have told you._

Dean found himself moving, though he couldn’t remember standing up from the bench. He looked around, dazedly, as if he was half-drunk and half-asleep. He felt Sam walking by his side, gently squeezing his elbow to keep him moving; a familiar dark green bag with their belongings was hanging on his shoulder. He registered that his brother was talking, but he wasn’t sure if he was talking to him or Crowley. He didn’t care. Instead, he stared at the shadows dancing on the long walls of the corridor in front of them, ironically creating a really creepy, devilish effect. Dean flinched at the mere mention of Lucifer. God he hated that son of a bitch.  
  
Dean chose the passenger’s seat, letting Sam take control over Baby. He considered driving back to the Bunker just to have something to keep his focus on; after all, driving was one of a very few things that still kept him sane. However, he knew his brother would argue about his mental state and he really wasn’t in a mood to hear any of this crap, so he just shifted in his seat and propped his head against the cold glass of the window. By the time Sam got behind the wheel and started the engine, Dean was long gone, lost in his self-loathing thoughts. 

_I should have told you._

It didn’t matter how hard Dean tried to squeeze _the thing_ into some deep, dark nook of his mind or how hard he tried to deny it once _the thing_ managed to slip free from said nook. It always came back whenever he heard the angel’s voice or saw him smile, even just a little bit. He couldn’t tell when and why did Cas become more than just a friend. It was a hell of a shock when he discovered for the first time that the deep blue in the man’s eyes had become his favorite color or that he stared at this ridiculously disheveled hair way much longer than he should. Dean convinced himself that maybe he could live with this silently, keep it as low-key as possible, not letting the acknowledgment come to the surface of his mind. Maybe he could come up with hundreds of excuses and explanations about _the thing_ and if he was lucky, maybe he could keep it at a bay. It worked pretty well for some time, he must admit. After all, he was a world-leading champion in repressing basic human emotions. Dean slipped only once – back in the crypt, when Naomi was mercilessly fucking with Castiel’s brain. Dean could remember almost cracking and telling him, but the words just couldn’t get through his mouth. Not yet. Eventually, he managed to break the connection and Cas flew off, giving him another excuse to bury this strange feeling deep inside his heart, and Dean promised himself to never come so close to revealing _the thing_ ever again. Once again, it worked very well for a couple of months, and Dean was almost ready to admit that this weird _curiosity_ about Cas wasn’t anything alarming, but it was all proved wrong one day when they got back from a very long and difficult hunt.  
  
Cas got a couple of nasty wounds on his stomach and ribcage that needed to be patched up. Naturally, he insisted on just healing himself, but Dean wouldn’t let him – he knew he was running low on his angelic juice and since it wasn’t any critical injury, there was no need to strain his powers. Cas took off his shirt, and Dean hissed when he saw red blood stains on its white surface. He took a handful of gauze pads and a bottle of whiskey, from which he took a huge swig before he turned around to Castiel laying on the couch with his eyes shut. Dean froze immediately, breath catching in his lungs. His eyes slid from Cas’ suspiciously relaxed face to his chest, and before Dean could stop himself, they continued sliding down the man’s body. He couldn’t help but admire Cas’ tanned skin, lean muscles and the Enochian tattoo spread across his stomach, even if he wasn't getting a full view because of some blue bruises and cuts. Dean may have seen Cas without a shirt before, and he was sure as hell he didn't look like this back then. The older Winchester felt his blood rushing wildly through his veins, boiling like never before. He licked his suddenly dry lips when his eyes stopped on Cas’ hips. Dean argued with himself – or, to be correct: he argued with his twitching, treacherous member that was apparently enjoying the view - that these damn black slacks were hanging definitely too low when the shorter man cracked an eye open, gazing at him tiredly from under his lashes, sobering his inappropriate thoughts. 

_I should have told you. ___

Dean knew this particular moment was enough to let his deep buried feelings and desires boil in his chest all over again. He knew he wouldn’t be able to hide them ever again. At this point, he even stopped fighting with himself. He stopped telling himself that it was wrong because Cas was a dude. There was a time he would get all angst-y and find at least three different hook-ups to calm his mind and prove himself and the whole world how manly he is. No, it wasn’t about his twisted view of masculinity anymore. In fact, he let himself daydream about having Cas in ways he wouldn’t even dare to just two or three years ago.  
  
It was all about the angel. Castiel was pure kindness. He had a heart of gold and a bright, caring soul; wherever he went, he always brought the warmth, comfort and calmness with himself. Having Cas around was like listening to your favorite song after a long day; being able to touch him, even very briefly, always felt like a long, pleasant sleep in newly washed sheets. Castiel had become his definition of home. Telling him about his feelings was too risky, because even if Cas miraculously felt the same way – which Dean seriously doubted because he wasn’t just that lucky – he would soon realise that the older Winchester is a disaster and would eventually want to leave. Dean wouldn’t stop him, because how could he? He knew damn well he was born poisonous, spreading destruction wherever he went. He couldn’t handle Cas walking out of his life, not after having him like this, even just for a little while. Dean knew it would be too much for him to handle. It would break him in hundred different ways.

_I should have told you._

So Dean spent the last couple of years trying to hide _the thing_ , because he didn’t want Cas to leave, which Dean was sure as hell would happen sooner or later. Because Cas, gold-hearted as he was, wouldn’t want to hurt him by staying only as a friend; he would want to spare Dean a nightmare of standing in front of a person he fell in love with and knowing that he will never be able to have him. Castiel would most definitely leave, so not telling him was the only way to keep him around. It was the most reasonable and logical solution Dean could think of.  
  
It was therefore extremely hard to understand why did Cas say yes to the bastard. Was it because he was tired of saving Dean’s sorry ass all over again? Was he mad at him for letting the Darkness out? Didn’t he forgive Dean for beating the shit out of him, turning his face into a bloody pulp once he still had the Mark of Cain burned into his forearm? Dean had spent countless of hours laying in his bed, staring at the empty ceiling and trying to come up with an answer, but it was all for nothing. He could only promise himself that he would bring Cas home, no matter what. He wanted Cas back more than anything in the world, so much that he didn’t even care about Amara anymore – once again, his life turned out to be all about one particular Angel of the Lord. He promised himself he _will_ bring Cas back. He _will_ make him feel better. And Dean would lie if he said he didn’t feel a small spark of hope when he imagined their reunion.  
  
It wasn’t until the last week when he finally understood _why_ did Cas agree to let Lucifer profane his body. When Dean found himself staring at his own body, shaking in agony and simply _dying_ , he told himself - as he did many times before - that it actually scared him how much he would do for his family. It wasn’t until Billie told him that his actions were completely pointless, because Sammy wasn’t dead, when something in his brain clicked and almost knocked him unconscious. Castiel, just like Dean, was desperately trying to save someone he cared about. He did exactly what Dean usually did when he thought Sam or Cas were in danger – he let his heart take control and switched the logical thinking button off. 

_I should have told you._

Once they arrived back in the Bunker, Dean went straight to his bedroom, ignoring Sam who was calling his name somewhere far from behind. He shut the door and started pacing nervously around the room, trying to contain his emotions, but he could already feel a strong lump in his throat and hot tears slowly rolling down on his face. He was so damn sure he would bring Cas back home today, that he could take care of his angel and never let go again. If he only got a few more seconds…  
  
Dean took a deep breath to collect himself before he sat down on his bed. He wasn’t sure if it was going to work, but he had to try. He took another deep breath and closed his eyes. 

 

 _Cas, you in there? It’s me, Dean. I know you probably think that letting this bastard in was the only way to beat the Darkness. Hell, maybe you’re right, maybe it is. But I don’t care Cas. If I had to choose to between getting you back and beating her, I would choose you._  
  
_Man, I’m so sorry. I know I screwed everything. I’m so sorry to make you feel like this. I’m so sorry that I’m a constant pain in the ass, I’m sorry that you have to worry about me to the point that you had to sacrifice yourself because of my reckless decisions. You can beat the shit out of me for this if you want, but you got to come back. Please._  
  
_Cas, just… please._  
  
_There is something I should have told you._  
  
_I should have told you how much you mean to me Cas… I know it’s selfish, but I need you. And I don’t mean I need you to help me fighting some more or less random evil son of a bitch. I mean I need you to stay in my life, to stay with me. I can’t just go on without you._  
  
_I know I should have told you this long time ago._  
  
_I love you. As in… I’m in love with you. To be honest, I love you so much that I didn’t even know I was capable of loving someone this much. And if… If you don’t love me back, I really understand, it’s okay. I just want you to know that you always have a place to come back to. I will always wait for you, as whoever you want me to be. I will be there Cas, I promise._  
  
_So please Cas, you can’t leave me, I can’t. I can’t make it without you._  
  
_Let me save you this time._


End file.
